


Darkest Before The Dawn

by MissMcCarthy



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, F/F, F/M, Mentions of Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:02:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26514901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMcCarthy/pseuds/MissMcCarthy
Summary: When you find yourself struggling with depression, you realize it’s time to reach out for help.(None of the characters are explicitly dating but everyone's pretty close so it's up to you how you want to perceive it)
Relationships: Bucky Barnes & Reader, Bucky Barnes x Reader, Bucky Barnes/Reader, Clint Barton & Reader, Clint Barton/Reader, Natasha Romanov & Reader, Natasha Romanov/Reader, Steve Rogers & Reader, Steve Rogers x Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader, clint barton x reader, natasha romanov x reader
Comments: 7
Kudos: 54





	1. Steve

**Author's Note:**

> I basically wrote this for myself, but I hope it helps you too. If you find yourself struggling, reach out a hand. There’s always someone willing to help pull you back

Steve was sitting at his desk, paperwork piled high in front of him. It was late, almost midnight, but you knew he’d still be here. He’d been away with Bucky and Sam for a few weeks and now he was buried under a mountain of reports to review and fill out. He didn’t look up right away when you knocked on the doorframe, but as he finished signing off that report he glanced up at you with a tired smile.

“Hey Steve? Can we talk for a minute?” you stood at his doorway nervously, arms slightly crossed as you traced your elbow lightly with your thumb. You met his gaze for a quick second before looking down at your arms. 

“Of course, take a seat” his voice was gentle, like talking to a wild animal. You weren’t usually this reserved, so it wasn’t hard for him to catch on that something was wrong.

You didn’t move from where you stood, “It should only take a minute.” Silence descended as he waited for you to speak again. 

“I don’t think I should be going on any missions for a bit.”

His brow furrowed and he laid his pen down on the desk, “Why not?”

A deep breath slid through your lips, “I’m not doing too well. I don’t want to actively die. But if I did die I wouldn’t really be upset? And it’s not fair to do that to you guys. So I think I should just stay home for a while.” 

The tower was quiet at this time of night, it was too late for those with normal sleeping habits to be up, but too early for the nightmares to awaken most of the team yet. The stillness seemed to drag on forever after your confession, until Steve slowly got to his feet and moved to stand in front of you.

Steve opened his arms slowly, and waited for you to make the first move. You didn’t move as tears began to pool in your eyes but as the dam broke you stepped forward into his embrace. As his arms wound around you, you clutched at him like he was the last life preserver left on a sinking ship. Neither of you spoke for a long while, the muted sounds of you crying the only sound. 

Once you’d cried yourself out, you stepped back out of his grasp and smiled at him sadly, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t ever be sorry for not being okay, Doll. You don’t have to be okay all the time. It’s perfectly okay to not be okay. Do you want to talk about it?” 

You nodded and he guided you to take a seat on the couch in his office, and he handed you the blanket he kept draped over the back. As you settled in, he heated up water in the electric kettle he kept in his office for late nights. You zoned out, collecting your thoughts, and you weren’t sure how much time had passed before he handed you a mug of hot chocolate with mini marshmallows. Steve took a seat next to you on the couch and you sat facing him, your back to the armrest and the blanket covering your lap as you sat criss-cross. 

The two of you talked all night, and he offered you small words of comfort as you talked, careful not to interrupt as you told him everything. By the time the first traces of sunlight crept through the window, you’d shifted to lean against his side, his arm draped over your shoulder as his thumb gently traced circles against your skin. You dozed off as the sun came up in the distance, but Steve didn’t move or say a word. Steve stayed with you until your therapist came in later that morning, and as you headed off to meet with them, he hugged you tight. You shot him a quick smile as you headed into their office. Things weren’t magically going to get better, but as you stepped through the door you couldn’t help but remember that old saying, _Things Are Always Darkest Before The Dawn._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you need someone to speak to, but don’t feel comfortable reaching out to friends and family try the suicide hotline.
> 
> USA - 800-273-8255


	2. Clint

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure how long this is going to be or how many characters I'll do. This is the first thing I've written in a while so I'm just gonna go until I feel like I should stop. It's just going to be the different Avengers being there for you when you need them. I'll update the chapter number when I finish, but so far I'm doing Bucky's now. I'm just posting them as soon as I finish them.

After meeting with your therapist, you made your way to the kitchen. It was late afternoon and your stomach was growling by this point. The kitchen was deserted, while you were in your appointment, the rest of the team had been called away on a mission. Steve had left you a message saying don’t worry they had it under control, but guilt still ate at you for leaving the team down a member. You didn’t feel like cooking, so you settled on making a simple sandwich. As you gathered everything and placed it on the counter behind you, Clint sauntered in.

He jumped up to sit on the counter, his legs swinging and a mischievous grin on his face, “I hear Cap grounded you too.” 

You hesitated for just a moment before you nodded, unsure of what Steve had told everyone. The idea that he might have told everyone the truth left you nervous. it was going to be hard enough dealing with Steve being weird around you, you didn’t need everyone treating you differently. 

Clint laughed, seemingly unaware of your nerves, “I can’t believe you forgot to file your report. In all the years you’ve been here, this is the first time. I’m so proud of you for coming to the dark side” 

Relief flooded through you at his revelation of Steve’s cover story. “Yeah well, we all make mistakes. I won’t forget again.” You shrugged, as you finished putting together your sandwich, “So why are you grounded?”

“Me? Oh, well, just the usual. I was too handsome of course.”

You merely cocked your eyebrow, and waited for him to tell you the truth. It only took a moment for Clint to cave in the silence and he let out a long-suffering groan. 

“I may have accidentally bet Thor I could hit a tree with an explosive arrow during the last mission. We thought we’d cleared the area but apparently we didn’t because the tree went kaboom and then Hydra came pouring out of a hatch in the ground like ants from an anthill. Thor was shot in the arm - he’s okay though!” 

“Dumbass” you chuckled, putting away the ingredients. As you grabbed your sandwich and began to head back to your room, Clint followed along like a stray puppy. He chattered about his latest prank plans for Tony as you went back to your room, and it wasn’t until you reached your door and turned to look at him that he stopped talking.

“How long are you planning on following me?” you sighed, exhaustion beginning to creep in.

“Well I was thinking that since it’s just you and me we could have a movie night?” Clint’s voice was pleading.

The idea of being alone right now wasn’t something you enjoyed, but a movie night meant you’d be even more sleep deprived tomorrow. With a heavy sigh, you stepped aside so he could come in too, “Fine but we’re watching movies in here.” 

“Deal!” Clint raced in and jumped onto your bed, grabbing the remote in the process. 

As you settled yourself against the headboard, he sprawled out, his head towards the foot of the bed as he began to flip through the channels. Clint’s voice filled the silence, your occasional hums of agreement were enough to keep him going as you ate. By the time you’d finished your sandwich, Clint had settled on The Lion King, and you moved to lay next to him. 

Clint sang along to every song during the movie, and you found yourself revelling in his presence. His attitude was infectious, and you were grateful you hadn’t turned him away when he asked for a movie night. The positivity was something you needed, and his presence felt like the anchor keeping your thoughts from floating off into troubled waters. 

As movie night progressed though, your thoughts began to wander in a different direction, and began to feel guilty for lying to Clint. It wasn’t a big lie, saying that you’d been grounded for not doing your paperwork, but you’d never lied to him before and you weren’t sure this was something you wanted to start. When the movie drew to a close you sighed and bumped his shoulder with your own. He turned to look at you questioningly, but you spoke before he could ask.

“I wasn’t grounded because of paperwork.” your voice was soft, almost too quiet to hear over the opening of the next movie.

“I figured” he bumped his shoulder against yours in return, “But I figured you’d tell me if you wanted to.” 

You flashed him a grateful smile, and leaned over to rest your head on his shoulder, “I asked Steve to pull me” you took a moment to gather your thoughts before you continued, “I’m not suicidal, but i’m not not suicidal.” 

He didn’t speak for a moment, but his arm found it’s way over you and pulled you into his side. “I know what it means to be haunted by those thoughts. I’ve been there before.” 

You moved closer into his side as he told you about his battle with depression when he was younger and how even now he still had bad days. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that right now sucks but you’ll get through this - you’re a hell of a fighter, and you’re stronger than your darkest thoughts. And if you ever feel like you can’t win, just come get me and I’ll help you kick your own ass.”

A soft laugh escaped from you as he finished his speech and you curled yourself into his side. He pressed a soft kiss to your forehead, and you turned on the next movie, Brave. For the rest of the night you traded soft jokes and playful insults with one another. When you finally fell asleep two movies later, you slept comfortably in Clint’s arms, grateful that you had friends to rely on when the dark got too hard to see in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you need someone to speak to, but don’t feel comfortable reaching out to friends and family try the suicide hotline.
> 
> USA - 800-273-8255


	3. Bucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky stays behind from a gala to talk to you.

The team got back the next day from their mission. Steve had been right when he’d told you they could handle it, and you were grateful for that. Everyone was glad to be home - until Tony reminded them that they were hosting a charity gala that night. Usually you enjoyed getting a chance to dress up and hang out with the team, but you just weren’t feeling it with everything going on. Steve caught your eye when Tony made the announcement, his gaze questioning. When he saw the look on your face, he spoke up.

“[Y/N], you’re grounded so you’ll sit this out. Clint on the other hand? You’re coming because I know you’ll consider this a punishment.” Steve’s voice was firm and you rolled eyes to give a good show. 

When Nat tried to argue on your behalf, you stopped her and told her it was alright. As the team dispersed to go take a nap before the party, you stopped to thank Steve. You walked him with him back to his room, and he asked how you were doing with everything. You assured him that the therapist had helped but it would be a bit before you were ready to join them on missions again. 

That evening, everyone filed out to the gala. When they left, you slipped down to the pool. You’d always loved to swim, but you hadn’t taken the time to swim just for fun in a long time. Lately the only time you’d been swimming was on a mission or doing laps instead of going for a jog.

Friday was playing your playlist of favorite songs, the lights dimmed slightly as you floated on your back. The water temperature was perfect, the pool was always slightly chilly so the water was warm and you found your eyes drifting shut as you floated. It was peaceful at first, but the longer you floated alone, the more you felt the emptiness begin to creep back in. Not even your favorite music could keep the depression at bay tonight, and you began to contemplate going back to your room and just crawling into bed when the door swung open. 

Everyone was supposed to be at the party, so when you heard the door, your eyes flew open and you turned to look at the door, trying to be as quiet as you could in the water. You let out a sigh of relief as you locked eyes with Bucky.

“How come you aren’t at the gala?” you asked Bucky, swimming over to the side of the pool closest to him.

He was dressed in his tuxedo still, “You know me, doll. That’s not my scene.” You nodded in understanding, as he kicked off his shoes and rolled up his pant legs. He dropped his feet into the water next to you, and kicked the water once, splashing you.

You splashed him back with a tiny water wave, and he chuckled softly. When he didn’t speak again, you went back to floating in the pool. The minutes ticked by, song after song playing while you both revelled in the silence. It was different with him there, even if you weren’t talking, just knowing Bucky was there brought respite from the loneliness that had been taking over earlier.

“I owe you an apology.” Bucky’s voice seemed to echo through the room and you turned to look at him.

“What for?” you asked curiously.

“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, you need to know that. I was on my way to talk to Steve and I overheard you guys - super soldier hearing sucks sometimes. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable so I left.” you could hear the guilt in his voice and you swam back to his side. You pulled out of the water and sat on the edge of the pool with him, legs almost touching. 

You placed your hand on his leg until he looked at you, “It’s okay, Bucky. I know you wouldn’t eavesdrop on purpose.”

He smiled at you softly, relieved you trusted him, “Are you doing okay?”

You thought for a moment before shrugging, “I’m not doing bad? But I’m not good so I mean I guess?” 

Bucky nodded, “Before Steve found me, I wasn’t in a good place. I remember wanting to die - and I almost tried once. I was going to, but someone interrupted.”

No longer caring about getting him wet, you scooted over so you guys were touching, thighs pressed together. His hand found its way to your hip and pulled you tight against him, and you began to lightly scratch his back with your nails as he spoke. Bucky told you all about the problems he’d faced since leaving Hydra. He’d struggled with depression on and off since, fueled by the guilt of what he’d been forced to do. 

You found peace in Bucky’s confessions, in his admitting he wasn’t okay. Sure, you may not feel like you had reasons as good as his to feel depressed but he was always so strong that him being vulnerable around you like this left you feeling less alone. If he could learn to talk to people he trusted when he needed help, maybe you could learn to as well. Asking for help wasn’t a weakness, and that was something you sometimes still struggled with.

As the night passed and the two of you traded stories you found yourselves lying back on the pool deck, your feet still dangling in the water. At some point, the two of you dozed off during your conversation. Steve found you in the morning, your head resting on Bucky’s chest, his arms wrapped around you. Smiling, Steve left the room and shut the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to do Natasha and I think that will be the final one for this.
> 
> If you need someone to speak to, but don’t feel comfortable reaching out to friends and family try the suicide hotline.
> 
> USA - 800-273-8255


	4. Natasha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nat confronts you about your cover story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Солнце means small sun/sunshine

By noon, you were back in your room and showered, the scent of chlorine having finally been scrubbed from your hair. You’d slipped into your favorite pair of pajamas following the shower and now you sat in front of the mirror, slowly combing through your hair. As you combed your fingers through your damp hair, you soon found yourself lost in thought. A knock on the door drew you from the trance you’d slipped into. 

“Come in!” you called, watching the door in the mirror.

The door opened and Nat stepped in, shutting the door behind her. She took a seat on your bed and studied you silently for a moment. Your eyebrows drew together, puzzled, and when she patted the bed next to her you got up and sat next to her.

“What’s going on, Nat? Is everything okay?” you asked curiously. 

“I should be asking you that. I know you didn’t forget to file a report - we do them together, remember?” she waited for your answer, her eyes searching yours.

For a moment, you considered keeping the lie going, but when you met her gaze you decided against it. 

“I asked Steve to pull me from missions.” you offered, wondering if she’d push it farther.

“How come?” 

“I’ve been really down lately. Everything’s just been so hard and the other day I woke up and realized I don’t really care if I’m alive tomorrow? Like I’m not going to race out and y’know, but I’m also not sure I would care if I was dying?” 

“Oh, Солнце” her voice was soft as she placed her hand on your thigh, “I’m sorry.” 

“Why are you sorry?” you tilted your head slightly.

“I should have noticed you weren’t feeling well. I didn’t mean to make you fight alone.”

“Come on Nat, that’s not your fault.” You bumped your shoulder against hers.

The flash of a soft smile lit up her face for a moment, “Well I’m here now. You’re not in this alone. No matter what your head says, this isn’t a battle you’re fighting by yourself.”

You swallowed heavily and looked down at the quilt you kept on your bed, thoughts racing through your head. Nat’s hand found it’s way to your chin, and she gently turned your head to look at her again.

“What’s going on in there?” 

“It’s nothing - don’t worry about me, it’s fine.” you tried to smile, but it was more of a sad grimace. 

“I’m a spy. You can’t really think I’d believe that lie. Tell me what’s going on, please.” her voice was soft, but strong, and you knew she wouldn’t let this drop.

“I feel guilty. You guys don’t need to worry about me, I’ll be okay. I didn’t mean to worry anyone, and you don’t have to help me. I don’t want you to feel guilty for not realizing it or feeling like you’re not helping. I don’t want to be a burden. My mind, my problems” you sighed.

Her hand moved to cup your cheek as you spoke, and her eyes hardened, her voice remaining soft as she spoke, “You could never be a burden. Ever. You’re one of us, and I will always be here for you because I love you - and the same goes for the rest of the team. You’re a part of this family, and if you weren’t here we’d be missing a big piece of us. You’re always here for the rest of us, no matter what. You’re always quick to comfort one of us when we need it, or help out when Clint catches the flu. But I’m not just here because of the things you do for us. You’re amazing, and I love you. I’m here with you because I want to be here with you, not because you’re a burden. And you’re not getting rid of me - I’m going to stay right here with you until you’re feeling better, no matter how long that takes.” 

By the end of her speech, tears were flowing down your face. You weren’t sure who instigated the hug but you found yourself wrapped in Nat’s arms. Her grip was firm and you found yourself thanking the universe for giving you her. As you stayed in her arms, you couldn’t help but feel like maybe there was a chance to win this battle. 

With Steve, Clint, Bucky, Nat, and the rest of the team by your side was there anything you couldn’t take on? Sometimes all you needed was a reminder that you weren’t fighting alone, and if the last few days had proved anything it was that you had people who loved you and would stand by you until the bitter end. With them, there was no way you’d lose this battle - no matter how long it takes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for joining along with me as I worked through my stuff today. I hope you enjoyed this, and if you're struggling with depression, we'll get through this. Don't give up ❤️ ❤️ 
> 
> If you need someone to speak to, but don’t feel comfortable reaching out to friends and family try the suicide hotline.  
> USA - 800-273-8255


End file.
